What...

What did you have to go an die for, hu Dad?
It stinks, by the way.

oh dad...

sigh

:( I'm having one of those days...

I'm going 'home' in a few weeks to clear out stuff in the house...set aside the things I hold dear from my childhood.
It's always nice making that right hand turn into the driveway like I did for so many years, but it's always heartbreaking now, just the same.

I miss you, Dad. So very much.

We've been talking more frequently about when we will start our own little family- and it just hurts so much to know that my children will not know the warmth of your bear hugs or be able to talk about "When grandpa and I..."

I sometimes wish that I wasn't the baby of the Boeckmann clan. Something inside me wishes I was born a scant 10 years earlier so that my children would know you like most of the other grandkids do.

But...everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I'm just going to have to make sure to tell them all about you and try my damnedest to replicate your bear hugs.

I don't think I'll ever be able to recreate your rollerskating dance moves, though. :D

:::sigh:::

It's getting to be that time of year again. Christmas is around the corner. Every year, around this time, I fall back into a big sink hole of sadness...thinking about losing ya, Dad. I know, I know...you wouldn't want us to be sad- but it's really hard. Most of the time, I think back fondly and smile; remembering all the good times. I can talk to other people about you and pass on stories and wisdom with a grin and a light heart.

Occassionally, though...my grief comes out of nowhere to smack me in the face like a drive by fruiting (2pts if you know the reference).
Yesterday was one of those days for me.

I miss you, Dad. So much.

Happy Birthday Dad

Hey Daddy...
Happy Birthday. Today I'm thinking about you as a boy. I have this crazy idea that the birthdays that you have after you passed away make you a year younger each time.

One of the things I most admired about you was your youthful spirit. So enthused about life and so eager to share that with those around you. Your presence was like the joy of spending time with small kids. The wonder the excitement - fresh to the world without getting bored from experience. Sure you had your wise and thoughtful side and I benefited from that too. However, I think there is a wisdom in seeing the world and experiencing the world with the un-jaded passion and freshness of youth.

There is a guitar in my living room and in quiet moments around the edges of my busy life I pick it up. I pluck and the strings and their sound seeps into me and draws out memories of my childhood listening to you play and sing. Then it seeps deeper still and inside of me somewhere in a mysterious way is a little boy Ray learning to play guitar. Keenly focused in love with the sound and the look and feel of that magical instrument. Intent on making it sing for him. Practice practice fail correct try again practice improve reach it set a new goal on and on playing singing perfecting - then at last my Daddy singing songs to me as a man who taught himself to play guitar and to touch the hearts of his family and community with his music.

I've also been thinking on you as the smell of tack leather and horse sweat has visited me a few times this past year too. Oh how I remember your love of horses too. Makes me smile just thinking of your enthusiasm for melding with those powerful wild beasts and balancing between controlling them and riding with their spirit. Apache was an amazing force of nature - perfectly suited to you. I could see how it quickened you to be with him. I wish that I had spent more time around you and your horses but I was off and on to other things by the time you built the barn and brought them into your life.

Well I feel I'm petering out... usually when I come here I've been thinking on it a while and have some thing considered to say. I just came here sort of extemporizing today... Just wanted to note your birthday.

One last thing I guess. I'm not sure what you are up to or how you're doing exactly but I have thought this... here on this plane you are doing fine. Better than fine - you are doing very well indeed. Your children continue to make you proud as they walk this earth and do good things and manifest the character you helped instill. We appreciate these gifts by giving them away.

Thanks Dad
Love Rob

Happy Father's Day 2011

Hey Dad
I miss you today and each day - some days in smaller discrete moments, some I may even fail to notice. Others days it weighs upon me and you are missed deeply and with steady attention. Happily I also have many times when I celebrate your ongoing presence in my life. Thank you for being my Dad and sharing yourself with me in all your humanity, strong and weak, easy and hard, fun and sad... I only wish we had more time. While you were alive and now that you are gone from this earth. Here is a photo that I took and all the while I was taking it (them... I took about 2 dozen photos as this guy emerged) I was thinking of you and how you taught me to be curious about and love the natural world. Thanks
love, Rob

Been thinking about you a lot, Dad...

Hi Dad-
Just dropping by to say hello and to tell you how much I still miss you. Father's Day is coming up- and I wish, nothing more, than to be able to give you a big hug.
I'm still truckin' along and though I know that you would be proud of the person I have become (and who I am still becoming)...it'd be nice to have you here with me/us and lend a smile from time to time. :)

Missing you something fierce-

Sherryberry