Leo

Here's little Leo at 4 weeks old! We're all doing great, getting used to functioning on less sleep.

I check the blog regularly, but don't post much. I can't really put into words why that is, but Rachel explained it well recently. I am thankful for those of you that have continued to post because I enjoy reading about others interactions with Dad. He certainly had a way with people, connecting with them over common and uncommon ground.

I feel connected with him even more through my son now. Granted, there is no physical resemblance like Adem's sweet baby, but I hope that there will be some hint of Dad through his words and actions, maybe his love of the outdoors or even greater, his love of others.

Rob had a beautiful collage made of picture of Dad, as my gift when Leo was born. It's all black/white pictures, framed in a black frame and hangs over the changing table. I kid you not, everytime I lay Leo on it, he just stares at it intently. My rational mind knows it is probably because all he can really see is contrasts right now, so the black frame against the light wall is easy to see.

My heart hopes it is because Leo recognizes something familiar...a distant memory of someone he met before he met me.

One more birthday post

I know we are a few days past Dad's birthday but I couldn't help adding this one.
This is Dad at his Last Birthday. In spite of being not too long out of a tough surgery and still facing an uncertain future, there is such genuine joy and enthusiasm for life's small pleasures here... I had to smile when Dana sent it to me. Thanks again Dana for helping make the Wii gift get to Dad in a timely way. I don't know how long or how much he played with it but I think it is clear he got a kick out of getting it.
Love to all
Robert

I see dad every where

Anvil and I went on a hunt yesterday a Little hike looking for birds .There was the rock pile Anvil and Adem made with dad (one of many). That triggered Anvil memories of hiking with dad on are mountain Anvil talked about some tea cups dad and he had found that may of been a 100years old.I feel truly blessed on dads birthday I see dad every where in my sons ,
they all have parts of dad that I admrie and respect. Happey Birthday dad thank you for my four gifts
love Adem

Happy Birthday Dad :)

Short and sweet:
We miss you lots -and love you more still.
I know that Christmas is going to be hard this year...but I didnt expect your Birthday to be.
:(
I'm singing to you anyways...
*hugs*

Haunting the blog, Neglecting the blog.

Ick ..Blog is not a pretty word.

Well anyway here is a post I have been meaning to write for months now. I look at the blog nearly everyday. Even when weeks go by without a post. I feel guilty for not posting. I still check in hoping to get a lift from another loved one's memory or idea about Dad. If it is anywhere between 6am and 7pm you can be sure that a child (or 3) will be at my knee or in my lap poking at the keyboard giving me ample excuse for not writing my own post. Even as I type they have trooped in one, two, three, abandoning the unexpected privilege of cartoons on a Friday morning.

SO why don't I write at 2am like Robert or after the kids are tucked in like Adem? In part I am lazy and also self concious about what I might manage to write (yes that is silly), but more profoundly I found an article a few weeks ago that explains a little how I feel when I try to write or think about writing. It said that they have discovered that for the brain remembering is like reliving. In light of this all the cells that triggered the happy feelings in my brain when say, Dad threw me over his shoulder ala Sack of Potatoes and carried me laughing to bed, should trigger those same happy feelings when I remember them. Instead I have been avoiding dwelling on thoughts of Dad because I unfortunately end up remembering those last months, weeks, days, hours. That said, there were some beautiful things about Dad's last days. Cherished memories tinged with sadness.

I am challenged to get my head in a better place because remembering is unavoidable and I don't really want to forget. I will take the time to think about and answer Adem's question about whether Dad had a tick that bothered me (wait a tick! is there a pun here somewhere?), or what my very first memory of him is, and Robert's question about what we had intended or would love to have done with Dad had he stayed with us a while longer.... you see, ouch , that hurts.

And here is a question of my own. What mundane thing makes you think about Dad everyday? Here are just two of mine, nearly every time I turn on the dishwasher I think about telling dad on his last trip here that I feel environmental guilt when I don't wash the dishes well and instead select the 2 hour wash option... weird, boring, yes yes but there is dad in my head daily. Also when I pump gas I remember as a little girl standing next to the pump breathing deeply and telling dad I liked the smell of gas. He scolded me away from the fumes and told me they were not good for me. So 3o odd years later I still think of this many many most times I pump gas. I guess Sherry Rae's Grape Fanta story might fall in this catagory.

yikes! I have half an hour to dress and feed my brood (and myself!) and get out of here.

love,
Reachel

Happy Birthday Grandpa Ray

Hello Everyone. My son Atticus is up early and candidly wishing his Grandpa Ray a happy birthday in Heaven. I love the way he has no borders and continues to talk to his Grandpa as if he could "skype" from heaven and by golly send some of those chocolate kisses down here already. On my own birthday earlier this month I had a good cry when I turned on my cell phone and realized that none of the 5 messages there first thing in the morning would be dad softly singing Happy Birthday to you.

Happy UnBirthday

Jennifer beat me to it with a beautiful post about grief, faith and acceptance. I was thinking on Ray's birthday yesterday in anticipation of today. I was wondering... when a person is in Heaven how does the birthday work? Is Ray 66 today? or is he going to turn 1 in heaven on December 25? Do you get a new Heaven birthday for when you entered heaven? I like to think of Dad having a birthday on Christmas... seems fitting for such a generous and gracious man. Or here is another possibility.. maybe a person has unbirthdays in heaven. Maybe Ray is turning 65 today and next October 17th he will be 64... and so on. I have always thought that babies come into this world as close to perfect and as close to god and they will be in life. So maybe in heaven you shed your earthly years bit by bit and get closer and closer to God... just a thought. In any event... I'll miss calling to wish him a happy birthday. I want my magic cell phone that I used to dream I had - the one I could call Dad on in heaven. In any event Dad.. I hope you can hear me when I say Happy Birthday and I miss you.
Love, Robert

Maybe this will help.....

Robert, Adem, Raechel, Sherry and Dana,

I wanted to let you all know that I am definately praying for all of you, especially tomorrow. I remember the 1st birthday of Cathy's after her death. It was very painful, as I am sure your Dad's birthday tomorrow will be for all of you. But I realized something a few months after Cathy died that has helped me tremendously with my grief. I truly believe without one single doubt that Cathy's time on earth was predestined by God to the exact time she passed. You see, my grief was compounded by my feelings of anger and resentment and bitterness about how and why she died. But after this realization, I thought, if her time on earth was predestined, then did it matter how or why she died? My family and I would often talk of "if only Cathy had done this"or "if only Cathy had done that" then she could have fought her illness and would still be here. Then it occurred to me, that if her time was predestined then it wouldn't have made a difference if she had just done something else to fight her cancer. I believe in my heart that if she had been proactive and fought her cancer and gone into remission and been cured she still would have passed that morning on October 9, 2006 by some other means. After I accepted this, somehow her passing wasn't quite as painful since alot of my pain was associated with how she died. I know that you all also are experiencing great pain associated with how Ray died and making your own "if only" statements. "If only he hadn't been in the Navy....he wouldn't have been exposed to the asbestos and he would still be with us." I believe Ray's time was also predestined and he, too, would have passed on December 25, 2007 whether or not he had been in the Navy. Knowing this helps me somehow accept God's plan for my life and that plan includes pain and grief and deaths of loved ones. ALL things work for the good of God and that Cathy and Ray's deaths were predestined by God for HIS good. Only God knows his plan and how all of our lives intertwine and work together for His good. I find comfort in knowing that Cathy and Ray's death had a purpose just as great as their lives had meaning. Not only did their lives help fulfill God's plan, but also their deaths. Maybe it is through Ray's death that someone else has truly begun their relationship with Christ and ONLY through his death. My separation and divorce from my first husband, Brad, was without a doubt the most painful longterm experience of my life. (I will spare you the grisly details.) I might venture to say even more painful than Cathy's death. Maybe. But I know without a doubt that it was ONLY through experiencing that extreme pain that I truly accepted Christ as my Savior and began my new life with Him. I know one had to go with the other and no other way. That was God's plan for my life here on earth. Although I never wanted to experience that pain and never wanted a divorce from Brad, I do take some comfort in knowing that I now have eternal life because of that experience. I also, now have a wonderful marriage with Jim and three more beautiful children, all whom were also predestined to be born. I guess what I am trying to say is that Ray's and Cathy's death are for the greater good of God's plan. Their death's are helping fulfill God's purpose in someone else's life. I know this doesn't erase your pain because it is a process you all must go through, but maybe my realization about Cathy will help EASE your pain a little, if only enough to help you endure this journey you are currently on. Know I love ALL of you and hope these days pass quickly and that God finds a way to bring you the comfort you need to endure them.

I am here for all of you.

Love your cousin,
Jennifer

P.S. I dont know John enough to write such personal thoughts to him, but I hope this helps him too in some way.

A dream I had....

I had a vivid dream a about four weeks ago, right after the birth of my son Oliver. It was a Sunday afternoon, while taking a nap, I dreamed that I was taking a nap and awoke to my phone ringing. I answered it and it was your Dad. He was so happy to talk to me and asked how the baby was and how I was doing. We talked about Oliver for a bit and he asked how everyone else was doing. I always remember him calling me Jenny. and he said "Hey Jenny, guess what? I have some news too." I said what, tell me. And he said "Raechel is going to have another baby!" and I said "Really! That is great news! When is she due?" And in my dream at that exact moment, I remember thinking in my head "Wait a minute.....how can I be speaking with Uncle Raymond? He died." and as soon as I thought that his voice became garbled and started breaking up when he was answering me as to when Raechel was due. and I said "Uncle Raymond! I cant understand you! You are breaking up!" Wait come back!" and his voice just faded away. I and woke up immediately and thought wow! That was wierd. It was so neat to hear his voice. It was so clear and I knew immediately in the dream it was him on the phone. B/c he said "Hey Jenny, how are you doing?" when I answered the phone. Anyways.....I dont know if my dream means anything or not but I felt compelled to call Raechel right away. Like he wanted me to tell her. So I tried calling her to tell her. So now, four weeks later I now had to write it in an email but I think she got the gist. I really wish I had gotten her that minute when I woke up, b/c I was so excited to tell her. It was like I has actually just gotten off the phone with him! It was so great to hear his voice.

Since that dream four weeks ago, I have had two other dreams just in the last week about Uncle Ray. I dont remember the details as much as the dream above but I know I dreamt of him because when I would awake, I would say, wow, I dreamt about Uncle Raymond again. It got me thinking, why? I have no idea when his birthday is, but I thought today, it must be in October and I was thinking the 16th in my head. Is that right? If it is, it would be a total guess and he put the thought in my head. Happy Birthday, Uncle Ray.

the first time I saw dad

Well the first time I remember seeing dad was on the beach . I had somehow separated from the group and climbed a tree to find everyone . I was 3 or 4 and if you knew me it was the norm for me to go missing . I fell and the fall knocked the breath out of me and there he was he picked me up and dusted the sand off me and we went to a station wagon (dad was found of the station wagon I remember a few of them)and everything was right in my world . does anyone remember the first time they saw Ray?

Ray Says He Loves You

Well folks I've been trying to get Ray's voice on the blog for a long while.. and I think I may have managed this time. After Ray and Becky's trip to Australia he and Becky made a tape for Aidan. A collection of songs - many original (Like "Rusty Ol' Car") or tailored to fit Aidan and Brynn. This is an old classic and it is just lovely to hear him say (sing) "I love you too". Also a bit hard where you hear him say he loves the wind in his face and life... Here is Dad on YouTube
Robert

In Their Eyes

Well the kids aren't talkin' much these days...
So I thought I'd share from the Grandkids... These two scans are writings that Aidan and Brynn made in January of 2008 ... probably about a month after their GrandPa died and when they were seeing their Dad cry every day. Brynn doesn't tell the full story she knows.. and in a Naive way managed to keep her distance from the subject by referring to him as a man called Ray.
Aidan also just mentions the drama of GrandPa dying as an aside.. but buried in there is something brewing because he didn't just make any old i-Movie (and he didn't do it with his friend Conner). Instead he made a very touching tribute video to his grandfather. I think I've figured out how to post the video online.. so that will probably be my next post. I'm glad that Ray has had two more beautiful grandchildren since he passed away but my heart aches because they and his other grandchildren wont know the glow of his strong and kind presence.
Robert
(PS: you may have to click on the pictures to read them)