Happy UnBirthday

Jennifer beat me to it with a beautiful post about grief, faith and acceptance. I was thinking on Ray's birthday yesterday in anticipation of today. I was wondering... when a person is in Heaven how does the birthday work? Is Ray 66 today? or is he going to turn 1 in heaven on December 25? Do you get a new Heaven birthday for when you entered heaven? I like to think of Dad having a birthday on Christmas... seems fitting for such a generous and gracious man. Or here is another possibility.. maybe a person has unbirthdays in heaven. Maybe Ray is turning 65 today and next October 17th he will be 64... and so on. I have always thought that babies come into this world as close to perfect and as close to god and they will be in life. So maybe in heaven you shed your earthly years bit by bit and get closer and closer to God... just a thought. In any event... I'll miss calling to wish him a happy birthday. I want my magic cell phone that I used to dream I had - the one I could call Dad on in heaven. In any event Dad.. I hope you can hear me when I say Happy Birthday and I miss you.
Love, Robert

Maybe this will help.....

Robert, Adem, Raechel, Sherry and Dana,

I wanted to let you all know that I am definately praying for all of you, especially tomorrow. I remember the 1st birthday of Cathy's after her death. It was very painful, as I am sure your Dad's birthday tomorrow will be for all of you. But I realized something a few months after Cathy died that has helped me tremendously with my grief. I truly believe without one single doubt that Cathy's time on earth was predestined by God to the exact time she passed. You see, my grief was compounded by my feelings of anger and resentment and bitterness about how and why she died. But after this realization, I thought, if her time on earth was predestined, then did it matter how or why she died? My family and I would often talk of "if only Cathy had done this"or "if only Cathy had done that" then she could have fought her illness and would still be here. Then it occurred to me, that if her time was predestined then it wouldn't have made a difference if she had just done something else to fight her cancer. I believe in my heart that if she had been proactive and fought her cancer and gone into remission and been cured she still would have passed that morning on October 9, 2006 by some other means. After I accepted this, somehow her passing wasn't quite as painful since alot of my pain was associated with how she died. I know that you all also are experiencing great pain associated with how Ray died and making your own "if only" statements. "If only he hadn't been in the Navy....he wouldn't have been exposed to the asbestos and he would still be with us." I believe Ray's time was also predestined and he, too, would have passed on December 25, 2007 whether or not he had been in the Navy. Knowing this helps me somehow accept God's plan for my life and that plan includes pain and grief and deaths of loved ones. ALL things work for the good of God and that Cathy and Ray's deaths were predestined by God for HIS good. Only God knows his plan and how all of our lives intertwine and work together for His good. I find comfort in knowing that Cathy and Ray's death had a purpose just as great as their lives had meaning. Not only did their lives help fulfill God's plan, but also their deaths. Maybe it is through Ray's death that someone else has truly begun their relationship with Christ and ONLY through his death. My separation and divorce from my first husband, Brad, was without a doubt the most painful longterm experience of my life. (I will spare you the grisly details.) I might venture to say even more painful than Cathy's death. Maybe. But I know without a doubt that it was ONLY through experiencing that extreme pain that I truly accepted Christ as my Savior and began my new life with Him. I know one had to go with the other and no other way. That was God's plan for my life here on earth. Although I never wanted to experience that pain and never wanted a divorce from Brad, I do take some comfort in knowing that I now have eternal life because of that experience. I also, now have a wonderful marriage with Jim and three more beautiful children, all whom were also predestined to be born. I guess what I am trying to say is that Ray's and Cathy's death are for the greater good of God's plan. Their death's are helping fulfill God's purpose in someone else's life. I know this doesn't erase your pain because it is a process you all must go through, but maybe my realization about Cathy will help EASE your pain a little, if only enough to help you endure this journey you are currently on. Know I love ALL of you and hope these days pass quickly and that God finds a way to bring you the comfort you need to endure them.

I am here for all of you.

Love your cousin,
Jennifer

P.S. I dont know John enough to write such personal thoughts to him, but I hope this helps him too in some way.

A dream I had....

I had a vivid dream a about four weeks ago, right after the birth of my son Oliver. It was a Sunday afternoon, while taking a nap, I dreamed that I was taking a nap and awoke to my phone ringing. I answered it and it was your Dad. He was so happy to talk to me and asked how the baby was and how I was doing. We talked about Oliver for a bit and he asked how everyone else was doing. I always remember him calling me Jenny. and he said "Hey Jenny, guess what? I have some news too." I said what, tell me. And he said "Raechel is going to have another baby!" and I said "Really! That is great news! When is she due?" And in my dream at that exact moment, I remember thinking in my head "Wait a minute.....how can I be speaking with Uncle Raymond? He died." and as soon as I thought that his voice became garbled and started breaking up when he was answering me as to when Raechel was due. and I said "Uncle Raymond! I cant understand you! You are breaking up!" Wait come back!" and his voice just faded away. I and woke up immediately and thought wow! That was wierd. It was so neat to hear his voice. It was so clear and I knew immediately in the dream it was him on the phone. B/c he said "Hey Jenny, how are you doing?" when I answered the phone. Anyways.....I dont know if my dream means anything or not but I felt compelled to call Raechel right away. Like he wanted me to tell her. So I tried calling her to tell her. So now, four weeks later I now had to write it in an email but I think she got the gist. I really wish I had gotten her that minute when I woke up, b/c I was so excited to tell her. It was like I has actually just gotten off the phone with him! It was so great to hear his voice.

Since that dream four weeks ago, I have had two other dreams just in the last week about Uncle Ray. I dont remember the details as much as the dream above but I know I dreamt of him because when I would awake, I would say, wow, I dreamt about Uncle Raymond again. It got me thinking, why? I have no idea when his birthday is, but I thought today, it must be in October and I was thinking the 16th in my head. Is that right? If it is, it would be a total guess and he put the thought in my head. Happy Birthday, Uncle Ray.

the first time I saw dad

Well the first time I remember seeing dad was on the beach . I had somehow separated from the group and climbed a tree to find everyone . I was 3 or 4 and if you knew me it was the norm for me to go missing . I fell and the fall knocked the breath out of me and there he was he picked me up and dusted the sand off me and we went to a station wagon (dad was found of the station wagon I remember a few of them)and everything was right in my world . does anyone remember the first time they saw Ray?

Ray Says He Loves You

Well folks I've been trying to get Ray's voice on the blog for a long while.. and I think I may have managed this time. After Ray and Becky's trip to Australia he and Becky made a tape for Aidan. A collection of songs - many original (Like "Rusty Ol' Car") or tailored to fit Aidan and Brynn. This is an old classic and it is just lovely to hear him say (sing) "I love you too". Also a bit hard where you hear him say he loves the wind in his face and life... Here is Dad on YouTube
Robert

In Their Eyes

Well the kids aren't talkin' much these days...
So I thought I'd share from the Grandkids... These two scans are writings that Aidan and Brynn made in January of 2008 ... probably about a month after their GrandPa died and when they were seeing their Dad cry every day. Brynn doesn't tell the full story she knows.. and in a Naive way managed to keep her distance from the subject by referring to him as a man called Ray.
Aidan also just mentions the drama of GrandPa dying as an aside.. but buried in there is something brewing because he didn't just make any old i-Movie (and he didn't do it with his friend Conner). Instead he made a very touching tribute video to his grandfather. I think I've figured out how to post the video online.. so that will probably be my next post. I'm glad that Ray has had two more beautiful grandchildren since he passed away but my heart aches because they and his other grandchildren wont know the glow of his strong and kind presence.
Robert
(PS: you may have to click on the pictures to read them)

Haunted

I saw Dad at the gym earlier this week. From behind. He was on the stair master. Worn white t-shirt, strong broad shoulders, wispy gray hair with just that bit of thinning so you could see his cute pink scalp a bit at the back there, and a bit of middle age paunch showing from round the sides. Oh, and yes he was quite sweaty of course, and I could see his glasses from that vantage point too. And the enthusiasm, the determination in climbing those stairs up and up and up... tireless - full of life.
The flash of recognition. The brief smile on my face. What's he doing here?!
Fleeting. Half a second it flickered. Maybe less but it lingered after I realized the cruel joke of it. This was no Houston. I felt no exalted sense of Dad's omnipresence. No... just the caustic sting of knowing I had not seen him and would not see him ever.

A few days later he was hanging around again. Not in that way... not actually seeing him but feeling him. I was climbing up Arctic Valley again. This time with both my kids - and I kept remembering Dad climbing up there with them too. I was turning to my left... there was the snow bank where he had a snow ball fight with them. Here was where he sat looking at God's creation with his grandchildren. How could this happen? Life is more fleeting than we realize, I guess. My strongest champion laid out long before I suspected he would slow down. At least he haunts my waking dreams, at times visits me at rest, and I hope lives in me in small measure.